the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
