alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
