I wannas sexs uuuuu
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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