the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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