Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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