I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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