"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
