So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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