I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dear god my vagina.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
