I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
