ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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