this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
