how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
