You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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