So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
