what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
home. puking in laundry basket.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
