My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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