Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize