thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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