Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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