I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just cropdusted the office
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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