just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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