dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
