I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
