yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
