Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
