God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just had sex bonerless
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
