I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
