Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's shark week go big or go home
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
