im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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