In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
