It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize