i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
