He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
