I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
