im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
