It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
