i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
