Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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