I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
