I checked into jail on foursquare
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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