You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
