and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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