it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
