Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
