Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
