just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
