There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
