Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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