Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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