If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
