my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
