I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
